Online Dating as an Overweight 40-something Professional Post-Pandemic

Yes. It’s as bad as you think. No, I’m not kidding. I went in, eyes wide open. I’m a great overall package. I’m not a standout from looks…

Yes. It’s as bad as you think. No, I’m not kidding. I went in, eyes wide open. I’m a great overall package. I’m not a standout from looks alone, so I knew this arena wouldn’t be where my strengths shine.

After the pandemic, I decided to put myself back out there, despite disliking the process. Someone spread rumors about me at work. Whatever those rumors entailed, single men’s behavior at work became unattractive. I decided to separate the two lanes. I didn’t need both parts of my life falling apart at once.

Beginning January 1, I set out my New Year’s resolution and dived headfirst into putting myself back out there. First, I tried Hinge and Facebook Dating. They both seemed to have what I was looking for. Hinge was for people who wanted to get married or at least serious about dating. Facebook Dating allowed me to date single friends of friends so I could do some back-channeling on who they were. Plus, if they are friends of my friends, they can’t be too bad*.

Hinge had more men with filled-out profiles, which was impressive. Very few reached out or responded to my likes. I’m still on there, and I’ve gotten three likes over three months. I guess I’m not dream marriage material. I met one guy there. It didn’t go well. He over-tipped our waitress by more than our meal and seemed more interested in her than me. When we went for a walk, he bought himself a bottle of water and didn’t ask me if I wanted anything. Whole Foods is costly, but there are better times to cheap out than on a water bottle. Then he argued when I declined another date.

Facebook Dating didn’t net anything either. The people I found interesting were flaky at best, and I’m looking for someone who thinks I’m special. They don’t have to be obsessed, but at least want them to impress me since they should know me by reputation. I did manage to have an acquaintance ask me out. He’s a great guy, but we had friends in common. Since this was my first foray back into the world after a long relationship, I needed space to breathe.

I was in a different space in my relationship, which he witnessed. It broke me a little. It hurt me a lot. My success scared my ex-boyfriend. The attention I received made him jealous. My constant need for growth and new experiences bothered him.

My ex-boyfriend wasn’t a bad guy. He’d do better with a woman who will follow his lead instead of one who wants more for herself and is willing to do the work. I’ve run into that more times than I’d like with men who are far more accomplished than I am. They seem to admire my ambition but want to cage it rather than find a woman less accomplished who will sit on the sidelines and support the man’s goals instead of their own.

I worried about getting into those same patterns with my acquaintance since he knew me during my last relationship. I wanted a clean break, to meet people who didn’t have preconceived notions about me. After all, dealing with preconceived notions has been a bit of a battle.

I received several responses from men on Facebook Dating who had high school diplomas and were working dead-end jobs. I’d rather be alone than have to deal with that. I’m a sapiosexual. Intelligence is a baseline requirement for me. Since I was born intellectually gifted, there aren’t as many people who can keep up (and yes, it does cause problems). As a teen single mom, I busted my butt to get out of poverty. When I see a guy with no commitments and happy with the status quo, I know from experience it won’t work. I put a lot into everything I do, and I’m looking for someone who shares that value.

Then I went to Tinder.

With over 1,00 likes, I figured there *had to* be someone for me. What I found was dating hell.

I got through all the likes, weeding out anyone, not within a 40-mile radius. I’m looking for a partner, not a pen pal. I weeded out the profiles as follows:

More than 40 miles — PASS

Profile not filled out — PASS

Only looking for hookups — PASS

Smoker (sorry) — PASS

Of the 20% left, I started working away. The excessive amount of DMs one must keep up with is a 2nd job. I’m in sales, and I know it’s a numbers game, but I tire of it sometimes. I don’t care what their favorite color is, and it will not be a significant factor if we get into a relationship, if I’m being candid. Still, calling their question stupid will likely fail to win me any friends.

Many were scam artists, asking to get on WhatsApp and for personal information, they didn’t need. It seems like the Tinder Swindler on Netflix gave many people ideas. Several men were looking for free hookups. They told me they didn’t read my profile, probably because they were pushing for hookups. I stated on the site that I was looking for friends (meaning actual platonic friends) or a relationship. I’m not interested in hookup culture. As a woman, it will likely take a few times before I get anything out of being physical. Being treated like marked-down meat doesn’t set my loins on fire, either. I became besties with the Unmatch button.

Of the ones that graduated to a phone call, I soon learned why they were on there. It was red-flag city. I told most of them we weren’t a fit by the end of most first calls. I’m not here to waste anyone’s time, most of all, my own.

Of the few dates I’ve gone on, nothing has turned into anything more. That’s okay. A life partner is a big deal, and I’m not convinced I’ll find him on a dating app. I also believe in taking action, and I will keep going. I found my last ex-boyfriend on a dating app, and we were together for several years.

I’m not asking anyone to lower their standards. If they believe they can get a young Pamela Anderson Lee, go for it. May the force be with you. I wish everyone who wants one to find their dream partner.

I’ll be here sifting through the sand, looking for a diamond between pursuing my goals. Meanwhile, I’ll use these experiences as fodder for my next award-winning script. After all, Miley Cyrus blew up with Flowers. I’d rather not have the pain, but I sleep well knowing I can transmute it into something beautiful (and hopefully one day profitable). I can’t lose either way. Somehow, that lessens the disappointment. It’s life.

It’s all good.